Restlessness

Some days are better than others. Some days are more insightful. Some days are just tough. I'm still not sure why I struggle to find a purpose and my passion. Sometimes I feel I'm just freezed by fear. Afraid of changing my identity, afraid of loosing the stability of a good job, afraid of looking deep inside myself, afraid of change, afraid of sacrifice.  I want things to be easy, ready now and without effort, consistency or failure. And when I don't get it I go back to my comfort level, look for another "dream", start whining about my job and start talking about new goals. It's so much easier to switch then to struggle.

Today I was working on getting a wireless audio set hooked up to a sound recorder. Basic stuff for doing some respectable audio for creating a documentary. As I was reading and playing around with it my mind just got blasted with negative thoughts of: "you don't know anything", "what good is this going to do?", "it's so much to learn", "you don't even know if you're going to like it", "this is a waste of time". These are the kind of thoughts I've wrestled for 36 years. I'm better equipped to handle them but it's still so tiresome to look the other way and just keep working.

I've read self help books about cognitive development, behavioral change, positive thinking and everything in between. The bible has good wisdom about living in the moment and love and passion. You can learn anything from any book, even one as childishly written as "The monk who bought a Ferrari" (I couldn't get past the first couple of chapters). But at some point you just have to put things aside, stop making excuses, stop complicating things and put sweat, effort and tears and just do your craft.

Part of powering through your struggles is becoming an adult, taking responsibility and committing to a life where your passion gives you direction. You have to commit time, resources, forget about instant gratification and breathe by living with your craft. Screw everything else, screw the insecurities, screw the people that put you down, screw the obstacles, screw the legacy, screw the fear.

In this life we have to love what we are, who we're with and what we do. Taking steps to follow our dreams is the way to celebrate our existence and to give it meaning.